2014-11-14

An open letter to Bayerische Motoren Werke AG

Dear Assorted Doctors and Otherwise Scientifically Certified Ladies and Gentlemen of Bayerische Motoren Werke AG,

I would like to humbly submit my suggestion for extensions of your current automotive control platform:  the Behavioral Adjustment System.

Now, first things first.  The acronym BAS might easily be confused with that of the Biblical Archeology Society and Bulgarian Academy of Sciences, both of which are organizations not to be trifled with, so I would hereby like to propose the marketing brand Bellendtronic for this system.

Well then, let's get into the details without further ado.  What I propose is a system that after three consecutive failures on part of the vehicle operator to engage the appropriate turn signal before commencing a turn, the car will initiate a Behaviour Correction Event.   A Behavior Correction Event seems best implemented by deploying the primary automatic occupant restraint system on the driver side.  In colloquial terms also known as "the airbag at the center of the steering wheel".

In order to not interfere with the safe operation of the vehicle (if safe operation of your vehicles is indeed within the operational envelope of your customer base), I further propose that the Behavior Correction Event not be initiated until the next time the car has come to a full stop.

Should the driver attempt premature egress to avoid the Behavior Correction Event upon bringing the vehicle to a full stop, I recommend the appropriate supplemental occupant restraint system be deployed.  Or, again, in colloquial terms: "punch the miscreant in the ribs with one of the side airbags".

Then deploy the primary occupant restraint system once the operator is forcibly realigned into the deployment zone of the aforementioned primary occupant restraint system.

I strongly believe that an addition of this system, as a non-optional extension of your vehicle control systems, will go far towards reforming your current customer base so as to make your fine automobiles a more attractive alternative to those who labor under the misconception that your automobiles do not include an operable indicator stalk.

(I have made careful field observations over three decades and according to my notes, which by now comprise a mere 5.9 metric tons of cellulose-based storage medium, indicator stalks are either present or have at some point in time been present in all of your automobiles.  Thus any statement to the contrary is obviously vicious slander).

I will have you know I have conducted extensive research into the feasability of this system.  Both the fellow I usually see making weak tea at the office caffeination station AND a local authority on extraterrestrial life forms (who is also behind innovations such as shaving off his eyebrows and drawing dual eyebrows in their stead using a 3mm sharpie) agreed that this was indeed a most worthwhile idea worthy of your diligent pursuit.  I can, of course, produce notarised statements from the aforementioned gentlemen should this in any way help speed your decision process along.

I would also like to inform you that I have no claims to the proposed trademark Bellendtronic, though I would urge you to secure the trademark swiftly as Audi have a gearbox operation system for which the same trademark would be eminently applicable.

Thank you for your serious consideration.  I look forward to the enthusiasm with which you will no doubt embrace my foolproof and, if I may say so myself, obviously brilliant idea.

-Bjørn Borud, inventor of society-changing things.  Well, at least up to the point where they make a sharp noise and emit festively colored sparks followed by voluminous puffs of acrid smoke.

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